A weighty discussion

This is my first weight loss blog post. I was nervous to talk about this subject, but hey this is my blog, and it's for me to talk about whatever is going on with me. And for anyone who knows me, the weight issue has been going on with me my entire life.

I don't know why I always think this time will be different, but I keep trying. Maybe that's the point, is just to keep trying. I succeed sometimes, and I fail a lot. But I never completely throw in the towel. Basically I have gained and lost my entire life. I was heavy all through elementary and high school. But somehow near the end of high school, I lost weight. I just ate healthier, was more active, but the most significant thing I can remember is that I just didn't think about food that much. Once I entered university and began my relationship, I just gained and gained and gained. I ate terribly, and I ate lots. The more I ate, the more obsessed I got. It was a vicious cycle that has brought me to the terrible thoughts that I have about my own body. Then about 2 years ago now, I decided that I had had enough, and I wanted to change. I made changes like smaller portions, and I basically cut out fast food. I lost 25 lbs in about 6 months. I couldn't visually tell much of a difference, and it made no difference in my clothing size, but for a bit it gave me the confidence to know I could accomplish what I set my mind to. But then after that 6 months, I just stopped losing weight.  Or rather, I stopped trying. Now it's already 1 1/2 years later, and I haven't lost any more weight. I just don't know what happened. Why did I get a mental block after losing weight? Why didn't I just keep going? And if I'm so unhappy with how I look, why am I not making more of an effort to lose weight?

I don't really have the answers to those questions. A lot of times I wake up with so much motivation, and then I end up having something bad for dinner, after having a decent breakfast and lunch. But every time I go for groceries, it feels like a new beginning. So here I am again, trying again, and hoping for something different.

I just wonder if something will change, and what will make it change. I know that I don't really believe in myself, and maybe that's the thing that stops me. If I don't even trust myself to make good choices, and I never believe that I'll finally lose weight this time, am I going to be successful?  I guess I hope that if I can lose weight first, I'll believe in myself later.

Also on a side note, I haven't been able to bring myself to weigh myself for probably a year now. I just am too afraid that I've actually gained weight instead of just maintained. But I know I can't track small progress without the scale, because when you're my size, you can't tell when you've lost less than 10 lbs.  So we'll see how this next week goes, and maybe I'll build up the courage to weigh myself, and just go from there.