God, anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes I worry that I'm never truly going to be happy. And that's a problem mostly with jobs. I'm happy with Jaspaul. And part of that was learning how to be happy. I love him, but neither of us are perfect, so of course we're not perfect together. We are always told these fairy tales, watch romantic movies, and so we grow up with unrealistic expectations. But if you can learn to cast aside the unrealistic notion of a perfect man and a perfect relationship, then you're much happier. (I mean after all, if I'm not perfect, how should he be?) Anyways, I've yet to transfer this learned happiness to jobs. I keep telling myself that 1) I'm still learning this job, so of course that is always a bit stressful 2) I'll be happier once I get into the routine of working full time, I mean after all, it's only been a week so I'm not used to working full time yet, let alone working at all. But for probably a full hour I went back and forth saying to myself "I hate this. Will I ever be happy? What if I were to get my dream job, would I be happy? And the other part was saying (I forced myself to say): You're lucky to have a good job. You have a good life, and you're making money. Be happy and you'll like your job more. I seriously flip flopped back and forth between those two while I organized clothing.
On a random note.. I kind of love organizing things for work. That's seriously 80% of what we do. I am one of those people that secretly love organizing things. Most of us who are "secret organizers" don't like organizing things that make sense. We don't like cleaning our rooms on a regular basis, or our kitchens.. but we enjoy doing the big organizational tasks. We love the feeling of cleaning a tornado room. We love making check lists for spring cleaning and checking off the tasks as we go. We love filing alphabetically, and we love the satisfaction of folding clothes perfectly in a retail position. Who knew? There's a little more insight into my strangeness :) haha.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
My Man's Birthday
It's Jaspaul's birthday today!
Man, I love birthdays. I love making people feel special and spoiled on their birthdays. Although Jaspaul is not as receptive to it, deep down he still loves being spoiled, haha. Unfortunately this year, I can't spoil him much. I just started a new job last week, and have no more than $5 in my bank account. My paycheque will not be until next week, and it isn't quite enough to cover my rent for October. Then I have a visa bill with groceries and bus passes. So the only thing I can do for him, is make him a cake. And he honestly doesn't care. He doesn't care that we can't go for a nice dinner, and he doesn't care that I can't get him gifts. I will get him gifts later, but he of course tells me not to. So hopefully the cake turns out well, because it's all that I can do for him for right now. So wish me luck that it will be the best cake I can make! :)
So since it's his birthday, I was thinking about how happy I am that he's in this world. He deals with my anxiety, and always calms me down and makes me feel better. Although he doesn't always listen to my sometimes ridiculous rambling, he listens when it counts. He ALWAYS makes me laugh. We've been together for just under 5 years, and he still makes me laugh constantly. Sometimes I want to punch him, but I'm getting better about this :P It takes a lot to get into the rhythm of living together. But I think we're pros at it now. So putting the fighting (mostly) aside, we can just laugh. Laughter is one thing that should never leave a relationship, so I'm so thankful we still have so much of it.
I find myself thinking more towards the future with him now. I can't wait to get our first dog, our first house, and the like. I can't wait to laugh with him for countless more years. He's someone that makes me re think how I think about life. He is someone that doesn't get upset about much, he doesn't stress about much, and he doesn't get sad about much. He lives in the here and now, and that's something that I'm slowly trying to learn from him. I'm so hyper and anxious and OCD (for a lack of a better term) and he's so calm and cool, and down to earth. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with him, I think about everything that he puts up with from me, and I let it go.
So all in all, I'm glad that this man was put on this Earth. And hopefully we'll spend a lifetime of more birthdays, ones that I can properly spoil him for.
Man, I love birthdays. I love making people feel special and spoiled on their birthdays. Although Jaspaul is not as receptive to it, deep down he still loves being spoiled, haha. Unfortunately this year, I can't spoil him much. I just started a new job last week, and have no more than $5 in my bank account. My paycheque will not be until next week, and it isn't quite enough to cover my rent for October. Then I have a visa bill with groceries and bus passes. So the only thing I can do for him, is make him a cake. And he honestly doesn't care. He doesn't care that we can't go for a nice dinner, and he doesn't care that I can't get him gifts. I will get him gifts later, but he of course tells me not to. So hopefully the cake turns out well, because it's all that I can do for him for right now. So wish me luck that it will be the best cake I can make! :)
So since it's his birthday, I was thinking about how happy I am that he's in this world. He deals with my anxiety, and always calms me down and makes me feel better. Although he doesn't always listen to my sometimes ridiculous rambling, he listens when it counts. He ALWAYS makes me laugh. We've been together for just under 5 years, and he still makes me laugh constantly. Sometimes I want to punch him, but I'm getting better about this :P It takes a lot to get into the rhythm of living together. But I think we're pros at it now. So putting the fighting (mostly) aside, we can just laugh. Laughter is one thing that should never leave a relationship, so I'm so thankful we still have so much of it.
I find myself thinking more towards the future with him now. I can't wait to get our first dog, our first house, and the like. I can't wait to laugh with him for countless more years. He's someone that makes me re think how I think about life. He is someone that doesn't get upset about much, he doesn't stress about much, and he doesn't get sad about much. He lives in the here and now, and that's something that I'm slowly trying to learn from him. I'm so hyper and anxious and OCD (for a lack of a better term) and he's so calm and cool, and down to earth. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with him, I think about everything that he puts up with from me, and I let it go.
So all in all, I'm glad that this man was put on this Earth. And hopefully we'll spend a lifetime of more birthdays, ones that I can properly spoil him for.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Highlight of the day
So here's an embarrassing story from my day!
I was talking with a customer and something felt weird in my pant leg. So I shook my leg a bit and something fell out. I looked on the ground and there was a pair of underwear on the ground. My underwear. I quickly scooped it up and put it in my picket.
OMG haha. I hope no one saw it. That'll teach me to not look in my jeans when I wear them twice in a row.
Tee hee.
I was talking with a customer and something felt weird in my pant leg. So I shook my leg a bit and something fell out. I looked on the ground and there was a pair of underwear on the ground. My underwear. I quickly scooped it up and put it in my picket.
OMG haha. I hope no one saw it. That'll teach me to not look in my jeans when I wear them twice in a row.
Tee hee.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Customer Service
This was my delightful customer service experience today at Safeway
Me: Hello, I'm looking for some bus passes today.
Customer service lady: (looks in drawer) We don't have any.
Me: Oh really??
Lady: Yes, after the first week they send them all back
Me: oh okay.. hmm.. I just called yesterday and was told that you guys carry them
Lady: Well it's already september so they don't sell the passes anymore
Me: I'm looking for the 10 or 20 pass packs
Lady: Ooh you're looking for bus TICKETS
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
Lady: No.
Me: (Gritting teeth).
I mean, really!! I get now that a pass could seem like just the month pass, but as a customer service person, isn't it your job to figure out what the customer wants? This is how it should have gone in my opinion...:
Me: I'm looking for some bus passes today.
Lady: What kind are you looking for? We no longer have the month passes for September but you can buy packs of individual tickets.
Would that have been so hard?? It's people like this that give me valuable learning experiences :P
Me: Hello, I'm looking for some bus passes today.
Customer service lady: (looks in drawer) We don't have any.
Me: Oh really??
Lady: Yes, after the first week they send them all back
Me: oh okay.. hmm.. I just called yesterday and was told that you guys carry them
Lady: Well it's already september so they don't sell the passes anymore
Me: I'm looking for the 10 or 20 pass packs
Lady: Ooh you're looking for bus TICKETS
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
Lady: No.
Me: (Gritting teeth).
I mean, really!! I get now that a pass could seem like just the month pass, but as a customer service person, isn't it your job to figure out what the customer wants? This is how it should have gone in my opinion...:
Me: I'm looking for some bus passes today.
Lady: What kind are you looking for? We no longer have the month passes for September but you can buy packs of individual tickets.
Would that have been so hard?? It's people like this that give me valuable learning experiences :P
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
So, I got the job. I'm happy, relieved, and a bit excited. There's something that feels good about starting a job that isn't going to be stressful. I know so many people are obsessed with starting a career right out of university. And in a perfect world, that probably would be a good thing. But that's not the way that things have fallen into place, and I have to trust my gut. I have a good feeling about this job. I'm hoping this will be a stress free job, that will allow me to make money and new friends. Even if the job isn't "worthy" of my pride, I'm going to have pride in myself in the way that I work at this job. I'm thankful that this job has come my way, and I'm going to make the best of it. That's my decision, and I'm kind of proud of it.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Oh, decisions. Oh, life.
I had an interview for Ardene in the mall. It's a retail store. I actually love the store. It's one of those stores geared towards a younger crowd. They have inexpensive stuff, ranging from jewelry to shoes to clothing. It's mostly accessories, but they've been branching out to clothes as well in the last couple years. I have applied to so many jobs, and they are the first that have even offered me an interview. I can't even keep track of how many jobs I applied for.
The interview was great. The manager that interviewed me seemed really laid back. I was confident in the way I answered questions, and that combined with my open availability makes me a pretty good candidate. The mall is a 6 minute bus ride from our place, so I don't feel the need to have my care here. That means I don't have to worry about driving in the winter conditions, and a bus pass is much cheaper than insurance and gas. The more I heard about it, the better my feelings were about the job. It feels relaxed and fun, and having an insane discount doesn't hurt either! The only downside.. it's definitely not in my field of study, and it's not exactly a job you'd hope for straight out of university. There's a lot of positives to this job, but the biggest negative, is what other people will think. If I didn't feel as though I have to explain myself and defend my decisions to others, than I wouldn't hesitate with this job at all.
So the trend that is occurring here.. and in my other blogs.. and in the deepest darkest part of my brain... is the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others. I guess I have a lot to work on within myself. So whatever decision I make, it's going to be what I want to do. I'm going to try not to worry about what anyone else thinks.. and that will get better with time. If I do get the job and start working at Ardene, it doesn't mean it's for the rest of my life. It's for here and now, and I'll figure the rest out later.
The interview was great. The manager that interviewed me seemed really laid back. I was confident in the way I answered questions, and that combined with my open availability makes me a pretty good candidate. The mall is a 6 minute bus ride from our place, so I don't feel the need to have my care here. That means I don't have to worry about driving in the winter conditions, and a bus pass is much cheaper than insurance and gas. The more I heard about it, the better my feelings were about the job. It feels relaxed and fun, and having an insane discount doesn't hurt either! The only downside.. it's definitely not in my field of study, and it's not exactly a job you'd hope for straight out of university. There's a lot of positives to this job, but the biggest negative, is what other people will think. If I didn't feel as though I have to explain myself and defend my decisions to others, than I wouldn't hesitate with this job at all.
So the trend that is occurring here.. and in my other blogs.. and in the deepest darkest part of my brain... is the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others. I guess I have a lot to work on within myself. So whatever decision I make, it's going to be what I want to do. I'm going to try not to worry about what anyone else thinks.. and that will get better with time. If I do get the job and start working at Ardene, it doesn't mean it's for the rest of my life. It's for here and now, and I'll figure the rest out later.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Back seat drivers
Yes, this is my second blog tonight. Like I said, I don't write a blog until I'm about to explode.
Everything likes to give their opinions on your personal situation. Everyone wants a say, and everyone thinks what they have to say matters. I'm not saying that the opinions of others don't matter, but what I am saying is, I'm tired of hearing them. I don't want any more advice on what to do with my life. I don't want to talk about my life plans if I'm not the one to bring it up. Sometimes I need to talk about it, because of my anxiety. But when I don't bring it up, chances are, I don't want to talk about it.
The reason this is bothering me so much, is because I spent the a lot of the summer listening to what my dad thinks I should do. But he's just looking out for me, and he wants the best for me. What pushed me over the edge today, was when a neighbour came over "just to say hi" today, and then proceeded to tell me what I "should do" here in Edmonton. He didn't give friendly advice. He was pushy and invasive, and it was very uncomfortable. Of course I said thank you, and nice of you to stop by, but inside I was really thinking "Who the FUCK are you to tell me what I SHOULD do?" Don't you think I already have people in my life telling me what I should do? Don't you think I have enough self doubt, and enough "Should do's" and "to do's" in my life?
I'm just getting tired of all the backseat drivers in my life. I need more people like my mom and Jaspaul. When I ask them what I should do, they ask what I want to do. Without so many words, they tell me to figure out what I want, and they'll support me. I need to figure out what I want, find a way to get it, and not care about all the people telling me telling me what I should do. It's my life, and I should really be able to do whatever I want with it. It's not really any one else's business for now. So I guess I have such an issue with the "should do'ers" because I haven't found my way yet. If I knew who I was, what I wanted, and how I'd get there, I wouldn't care. But I let these people into my mind, because my mind isn't made up yet. There's a lot of room for doubt in my mind right now.. but I'm slowly going to change that.
Everything likes to give their opinions on your personal situation. Everyone wants a say, and everyone thinks what they have to say matters. I'm not saying that the opinions of others don't matter, but what I am saying is, I'm tired of hearing them. I don't want any more advice on what to do with my life. I don't want to talk about my life plans if I'm not the one to bring it up. Sometimes I need to talk about it, because of my anxiety. But when I don't bring it up, chances are, I don't want to talk about it.
The reason this is bothering me so much, is because I spent the a lot of the summer listening to what my dad thinks I should do. But he's just looking out for me, and he wants the best for me. What pushed me over the edge today, was when a neighbour came over "just to say hi" today, and then proceeded to tell me what I "should do" here in Edmonton. He didn't give friendly advice. He was pushy and invasive, and it was very uncomfortable. Of course I said thank you, and nice of you to stop by, but inside I was really thinking "Who the FUCK are you to tell me what I SHOULD do?" Don't you think I already have people in my life telling me what I should do? Don't you think I have enough self doubt, and enough "Should do's" and "to do's" in my life?
I'm just getting tired of all the backseat drivers in my life. I need more people like my mom and Jaspaul. When I ask them what I should do, they ask what I want to do. Without so many words, they tell me to figure out what I want, and they'll support me. I need to figure out what I want, find a way to get it, and not care about all the people telling me telling me what I should do. It's my life, and I should really be able to do whatever I want with it. It's not really any one else's business for now. So I guess I have such an issue with the "should do'ers" because I haven't found my way yet. If I knew who I was, what I wanted, and how I'd get there, I wouldn't care. But I let these people into my mind, because my mind isn't made up yet. There's a lot of room for doubt in my mind right now.. but I'm slowly going to change that.
From there, to here.
So it's been a long time. Obviously I'm not an avid blogger. I seem to blog when my mind is bursting, and only then do I put the pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard. Things have slowly been eating away at me for the last couple months, and I figure it's time to write them down.
I finished school at the end of last December. I then got a temporary job, as I had an exciting trip planned to Indonesia and needed funding. It was much harder finding a job than I had expected, and it took much longer than I thought it would. This was my first sign that maybe education wasn't the only golden ticket needed to find a great job. You see, I had previously been so optimistic that I would be able to get my dream job the moment I wanted it, although I told myself I wanted to travel first. So this difficult to attain, temporary job planted the first seed of doubt into my mind.
After my wonderful trip to Indonesia, I found myself back in Vernon living with my family. Although I enjoy being in my mother's company, it wasn't the ideal situation. I knew I wouldn't be there too long, but I sat with the question of what to do with my life? Do I head straight to Edmonton with Jaspual who is pursuing his higher education? Do I apply to my highschool "dream job" of working for Free the Children? Or do I pretend to look for jobs while I hide out in my room in the safety of my family's home? The last option sounds silly, but for someone with extreme anxiety issues... I have to tell you, it was a viable option in my mind.
I am currently living in Edmonton with my boyfriend. I applied to all the jobs I could at Free the Children. I applied in Vancouver and Toronto. I applied for internships, and paid positions. Just in case, I even applied for jobs I wasn't qualified for. Because I figured, you just never know. I decided when I was 18 that I wanted to work for Free the Children. I had just finished Global Education, and Free the Children was perfect. I was bright eyed, and believed anything was possible. It hurts what little ego I have to say this, but I didn't hear back. I was actually surprised, seeing as how I got a call back last September when I applied to a job for them. I wasn't able to go past the initial interview as they needed someone sooner than I could start since I was still in school, but I was definitely left with the impression that I was perfect for the job. All I can do is tell myself that the positions weren't the right fit, and it just wasn't the right time. It's one of those things we have to tell ourselves so that it doesn't sting so much... and we just have to hope it's true.
I was defeated for a while.. but now I realize that it's still possible for the future. Maybe right now isn't the right time, but maybe 3 years from now will be (or maybe 5 years from now, who knows). And I really do believe this. Or maybe I'll never work for Free the Children. But that's another thing that I'm coming to terms with. This job that I wanted when I was 18, maybe it doesn't fit with the person that I am at 23. Or, maybe it does. Life has a way of working itself out. Life seems to work out the best when I let it do it's thing, but I need to do everything I can to help it along. So for now, I'm putting myself out there in every way possible. I'm applying to jobs I'm "over qualified" for, and I'm applying to jobs that scare me a little more. And I'm going to go where life takes me after that. Because we're all going to get bumps and bruises along the way, but we all have our own lives and we need to figure them out for ourselves.
I finished school at the end of last December. I then got a temporary job, as I had an exciting trip planned to Indonesia and needed funding. It was much harder finding a job than I had expected, and it took much longer than I thought it would. This was my first sign that maybe education wasn't the only golden ticket needed to find a great job. You see, I had previously been so optimistic that I would be able to get my dream job the moment I wanted it, although I told myself I wanted to travel first. So this difficult to attain, temporary job planted the first seed of doubt into my mind.
After my wonderful trip to Indonesia, I found myself back in Vernon living with my family. Although I enjoy being in my mother's company, it wasn't the ideal situation. I knew I wouldn't be there too long, but I sat with the question of what to do with my life? Do I head straight to Edmonton with Jaspual who is pursuing his higher education? Do I apply to my highschool "dream job" of working for Free the Children? Or do I pretend to look for jobs while I hide out in my room in the safety of my family's home? The last option sounds silly, but for someone with extreme anxiety issues... I have to tell you, it was a viable option in my mind.
I am currently living in Edmonton with my boyfriend. I applied to all the jobs I could at Free the Children. I applied in Vancouver and Toronto. I applied for internships, and paid positions. Just in case, I even applied for jobs I wasn't qualified for. Because I figured, you just never know. I decided when I was 18 that I wanted to work for Free the Children. I had just finished Global Education, and Free the Children was perfect. I was bright eyed, and believed anything was possible. It hurts what little ego I have to say this, but I didn't hear back. I was actually surprised, seeing as how I got a call back last September when I applied to a job for them. I wasn't able to go past the initial interview as they needed someone sooner than I could start since I was still in school, but I was definitely left with the impression that I was perfect for the job. All I can do is tell myself that the positions weren't the right fit, and it just wasn't the right time. It's one of those things we have to tell ourselves so that it doesn't sting so much... and we just have to hope it's true.
I was defeated for a while.. but now I realize that it's still possible for the future. Maybe right now isn't the right time, but maybe 3 years from now will be (or maybe 5 years from now, who knows). And I really do believe this. Or maybe I'll never work for Free the Children. But that's another thing that I'm coming to terms with. This job that I wanted when I was 18, maybe it doesn't fit with the person that I am at 23. Or, maybe it does. Life has a way of working itself out. Life seems to work out the best when I let it do it's thing, but I need to do everything I can to help it along. So for now, I'm putting myself out there in every way possible. I'm applying to jobs I'm "over qualified" for, and I'm applying to jobs that scare me a little more. And I'm going to go where life takes me after that. Because we're all going to get bumps and bruises along the way, but we all have our own lives and we need to figure them out for ourselves.
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