New year

My mom left this morning, the visit seemed to go by so fast.  We got our nails done, had a shopping trip, had many chats, watched all the Harry Potter movies, and I got spoiled. It was so nice to feel taken care of for a couple days! I'm so glad she came to visit, and I'm a bit sad she's already gone. Anytime I get sad though, I just push it out of my head. No use being sad about something that I can't control.

I can't believe the new year is already here! Time is going by pretty fast, and other than making my mom's trip go by fast, I'm pretty happy about that. I'm counting down the months til I'm back in school! I'm not doing anything for New Years, but the older I get it just seems to be less of a big deal. Jaspaul isn't here, and a lot of my work friends have plans already. I'd rather just hang out with people and not head out clubbing, but no one seems to be doing that! Oh well, I'll have a relaxing night in.

Since I'm thinking about the New Year... it's time to think about what I want for myself for the New Year! I try not to do resolutions, because if we want to be changing something, we should always be trying, and not just because it's a new year. BUT, it's always good to write down the things you want to accomplish! Mine are mostly a continuation of what I'm already trying to do. So here goes...

1) Lose weight:  When my mom was here, she said multiple times that she thinks I lost weight. The first time she said it, I told her it was probably just the pants cause they "hold me in," but she said she was sure of it later. So that was exciting! That means I haven't had any major changes, but that the minor choices I'm making every day are making a difference.  One of the things I've changed, is always eating breakfast. I also swapped eating out for bringing lunches 4/5 days most weeks. I've also cut back on the chips and candy, and things like that. So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and keep making small changes here and there until it gets easier and easier. Oh yeah, plus that exercise thing that I should be doing...

2) Mental and Emotional strength: This is one I've really been working on since I moved here. I want to care more about pleasing myself than others. I want to worry less about what others think, and learn to accept when people don't like me. I know I'm already growing emotionally stronger, because some of the things that used to upset me, no longer do. So I want to continue with these things and stop being such an anxious person. I need to grow stronger to let go, and let go in order to be stronger.

3) Be a gracious and grateful person:  I try to be this kind of person, but sometimes I'm not. I am not in my ideal situation, but I want to stop letting it affect my mood. This is important because we're not always going to be in the situation we want to be, but we can't let it affect how we treat people and how we treat ourselves.

Happy New Year!

Old friends

After work today I met up with an old friend and her husband for dinner. She and I were in global education together in high school, and I haven't really seen her since University! She doesn't live here, but stays here for two months every year in order to complete a welding program. So we decided to get together before she heads back to where she actually lives. It was great seeing her!

I completed day 3 of 6 today. So I am officially half way through this long week. The days are going by pretty fast, so it'll be Christmas before I know it!

Christmas schedule

I got my work schedule for the next two weeks. It couldn't have worked out much better. I only work 2 days out of the 6 days that my mom is here!!! My manager definitely was nice about it. I also got Christmas eve off because they usually try to not make us work more than 5 days in a row. But I don't need that day off, because I'd just be spending it alone. And that would mean I have 3 days off in that week, and I'd get paid less. Then my friend was really missing home and she only lives a few hours away, but she'd need more than just Christmas day off in order to go home. So I took her shift for her :) I felt good doing it, because she was so incredibly happy to be able to go home. So now she can go home the evening of the 23rd, and stay through til Christmas! Plus that means I get my normal pay, and I made someone else happy. The only crappy part is that it means I work 6 days in a row. But I already have one down, so I'm just going to pretend I start a new week tomorrow. So, 5 more days starting tomorrow! And then once that is through, my mom will be here :) So excited!!

Routine

I just realized that I'm getting back into a routine. Not a set routine, but just a regular, human routine. For the first couple months of work, I was so tired all the time. Even on my days off, all I wanted to do was sit around and do nothing. Now on my days off I get all my errands done, laundry done, and I usually make up my lunches for at least part of the week. (Today was indian food, and the last couple weeks were chili). So I realized that finally I'm getting used to work enough that I have more energy all the time. I'm not necessarily less tired, because I still feel tired all the time, but I just have energy to do more when I'm not working. So guess what the next thing is to fit into my routine... WORKING OUT. I know I'm a broken record, but at least it means I'm still always thinking about it!

Dinner Date

So it's day 3 of Jaspaul being gone and I'm doing pretty well. I had the day off and got a lot done. Got my medical forms sent off along with some christmas cards, picked up a couple groceries, and did some laundry.  Then I went out for dinner with Jessica, the friend I went to Indonesia with. Even though the food wasn't good, the company definitely was. Now I'm making some semi-indian food for lunch at work tomorrow. So it was a pretty good day. Now back to work tomorrow. It always seems harder to go back after a day off!

Day off

Jaspaul left for home this morning, and I had the day off. So I spent part of the day cleaning and watching tv, then one of my work friends came over and we did work out videos from youtube. That was the first time I have worked out in so long. (Probably since I moved here). Too bad our work schedules are so different, because we rarely get days off together. Even if we had one day off a week together to work out, that would be so awesome.  We did some zumba videos, and then we did some Jillian Michaels. I forgot my work out DVDs at home, so hopefully I can get my mom to bring them when she comes to visit. I really need to start working out if I want to lose weight!

By the way, my mom will be here in 9 days! :)

Worky work work

Today was a good day at work. It went by fast, and it was stress free. I love these days. They make me think that it's not so bad! And I'm almost off the 90 day probation period, so hopefully my manager will be on her game and give me a raise quickly! I know I'll have to mention it though, because she won't be thinking about it. A co worker told me that she didn't get her raise for a long time, so I want to make sure to get on it right away. As my grandma always says.. every penny counts!

On Friday I'm going out with friends for some drinks. I'm definitely looking forward to that!  What I'm not looking forward to though, is Jaspaul going home! (Which is on the 16th). From the 16th until the 25th when my mom gets here, I'm going to be all alone! I'll have to find some things to occupy myself with.

A little update

Today I got my first Christmas card in the mail! It was from my Grandma of course :) I love getting letters!  She told me she enjoyed reading my blog and asked if I could share more. Well, that gave me a bit of a complex because I don't know what to even share about my life! I have a pretty steady and boring life right now. That's pretty much why I have stopped writing blogs so frequently. So I'll try my best to come up with ideas for what to write about!

Work has been getting better lately. The manager has seemed to calm down a bit, and I'm counting down the weeks until she is in the store a little less. Also I really am making some great friends at the store, so it makes it so much better. We are also back in our original store location, and it has been renovated and is much larger. Most days work is going by faster, and my feet are hurting less and less. So all in all, I think I'm just getting used to it, and also the working conditions are better in this store.

We had our holiday work dinner last Saturday. It was fun, and a good opportunity to get to know people outside of work. The only problem with making work friends though, is that it is hard to find time to get together outside of work!

On another note, I applied to the Social Work diploma about a week ago. I had a meeting with the head of the department, and it sounds like a good program. I'm excited about the idea of going back to school.  I know lots of people find jobs with just the diploma as opposed to the bachelor, and I already have a bachelor so that might work in my favour. The only main difference between the diploma and the bachelor, is 2 years of electives (and only 3 requirement social work classes) before applying for the program. So I feel like if I have a bachelor, I have more than 2 years of electives! Anyways, that will be for next September.  It'll be my first experience with student loans, that's for sure! I better start cutting down expenses and start saving!

Thankful

Today I am thankful because I have unconditional love from many different people. 

That makes me pretty lucky.

A weighty discussion

This is my first weight loss blog post. I was nervous to talk about this subject, but hey this is my blog, and it's for me to talk about whatever is going on with me. And for anyone who knows me, the weight issue has been going on with me my entire life.

I don't know why I always think this time will be different, but I keep trying. Maybe that's the point, is just to keep trying. I succeed sometimes, and I fail a lot. But I never completely throw in the towel. Basically I have gained and lost my entire life. I was heavy all through elementary and high school. But somehow near the end of high school, I lost weight. I just ate healthier, was more active, but the most significant thing I can remember is that I just didn't think about food that much. Once I entered university and began my relationship, I just gained and gained and gained. I ate terribly, and I ate lots. The more I ate, the more obsessed I got. It was a vicious cycle that has brought me to the terrible thoughts that I have about my own body. Then about 2 years ago now, I decided that I had had enough, and I wanted to change. I made changes like smaller portions, and I basically cut out fast food. I lost 25 lbs in about 6 months. I couldn't visually tell much of a difference, and it made no difference in my clothing size, but for a bit it gave me the confidence to know I could accomplish what I set my mind to. But then after that 6 months, I just stopped losing weight.  Or rather, I stopped trying. Now it's already 1 1/2 years later, and I haven't lost any more weight. I just don't know what happened. Why did I get a mental block after losing weight? Why didn't I just keep going? And if I'm so unhappy with how I look, why am I not making more of an effort to lose weight?

I don't really have the answers to those questions. A lot of times I wake up with so much motivation, and then I end up having something bad for dinner, after having a decent breakfast and lunch. But every time I go for groceries, it feels like a new beginning. So here I am again, trying again, and hoping for something different.

I just wonder if something will change, and what will make it change. I know that I don't really believe in myself, and maybe that's the thing that stops me. If I don't even trust myself to make good choices, and I never believe that I'll finally lose weight this time, am I going to be successful?  I guess I hope that if I can lose weight first, I'll believe in myself later.

Also on a side note, I haven't been able to bring myself to weigh myself for probably a year now. I just am too afraid that I've actually gained weight instead of just maintained. But I know I can't track small progress without the scale, because when you're my size, you can't tell when you've lost less than 10 lbs.  So we'll see how this next week goes, and maybe I'll build up the courage to weigh myself, and just go from there.

Stuffs.

So work has been long and exhausting lately. I worked 48 hours within the time span of 4 days.  You know when you learn about exploitation of labour in Sociology? Well I haven't felt this way since I worked at Tim Hortons. You know your job is bad when you understand the sociology lessons. Rather than delve into the reasons that I'm currently hating my job, I'll just say this: I'm tired of them not asking for us to work longer hours, to stay later, and to skip breaks. These things are not okay. I am willing to do certain things when asked, but it makes me mad when they go about it without asking us and just expecting it. A couple of us admitted to going home and crying out of exhaustion this weekend, so I'm in good company.  So right now I'm just trying to hang on for dear life. I love the girls I work with, and I need the money in order to do a social work diploma in September. If it weren't for those things, I would have quit over the weekend.  It's getting hard but I'm just trying to push through it.

Christmas

My mom told me today that she'll be visiting me for Christmas!! I am so excited. And actually on Christmas! :) I will have to work boxing day for sure, so that sucks a bit.. but she'll be staying until the 30th, so hopefully my manager will be nice and give me days off during that time or at least shorter shifts.  Crossing my fingers! I just wish it wasn't so far away!! :)

Days off and Thanksgiving

Days off always go by too fast!  I'm on my second day off, and it's back to work tomorrow. Had a good day at the mall with Jaspaul yesterday.  It started out frustrating because I was there to shop for jeans.. and that's never a good time! But finally I found a pair at old navy.  They weren't my first choice of colour because they're a bit lighter of a wash, (apparently medium wash), and I'm a bit worried they're too light for work, because we're not allowed to wear light wash. They're dark enough that it should be fine, but I still like to worry about everything :) haha. The jeans were very picked through, as it's end of season sales right now in a lot of stores. The only jeans that were abundant in the size I need, were the skinny jeans. Obviously, because people my size shouldn't wear skinny jeans!! So anyways I finally found a pair in my size, and they're super comfy. Then I get to the till, and instead of $40, they were $25!! Such a great surprise. Then Jaspaul and I went to Boston Pizza and had a nice lunch together. More of a proper birthday lunch for him that I couldn't afford when I wasn't working.  So despite the rough morning shopping for pesky jeans, it was a good day :)

Today consisted of dishes, grocery shopping (somewhat unsuccessful because wal mart was so out of stock), and I'm making cookies soon :) A new recipe! They're "cake batter" cookies. Hopefully they turn out well :) Also on a plus side, I got through thanksgiving without being too sad! I really missed my family though. I just tried to think that it was like any other weekend.  I love thanksgiving though, because it's a holiday that my family hosts with more family than Christmas. I love when my grandparents visit, and the visit is even better when we're joined by my aunt and uncles! We play the Mexican train game, eat lots of food, and have lots of laughs.  So that's what made it hard, was thinking about all the past amazing memories. But I got through it, and I'm sure I'm a little bit stronger because of it. I'm sure Christmas will be harder, but I'll get through it knowing there are lots more Thanksgivings and Christmases in the future!

Pay Day

So today is pay day!  My first "real" pay check at this job. But it was a bit disappointing. I think I underestimated the amount of taxes that are taken off. Which is okay, but it's just nice to know up from instead of being surprised about it. It's my first long term, full time job, so maybe there are more things taken off. I'm not sure how CPP and all that stuff works. And every employer is different in terms of how many taxes they take off. Tim Horton's barely took off any, so I got paid more up front.  I get paid $11.50 an hour, and Jaspaul and I were calculating it at 11.25. But according to my pay check, I should be calculating it at less than $11 per hour. That seems like a lot to take off.. so I'm a bit concerned. Also I should've had a couple hours of overtime, so it's just not adding up to me. We don't get pay stubs, but we're supposed to be able to check it online. I haven't gotten the slip that tells us how though, so I'll be asking today.

I'm trying not to let it affect my mood. I had such a good day yesterday because I told myself it was good to be a good day, and I "forced" myself to be in a good mood. I don't want this to affect that!! So I'm going to try my best not to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do about it until I can look at the online thing. Also, I still got paid and I'm able to pay all my bills and everything.. so I'm just trying to count my blessings right now instead of complain. I'll figure it out soon and it'll be fine. I just can't put it aside in my mind, which is something I hate about myself!!

Snail Mail

Today is a good day for many reasons.  I have the day off work, it's my FAVOURITE Grandpa's birthday, and I got a letter from my grandparents :) I don't think there are many things that beat good old fashioned mail. It just lets you know that people really are thinking about you and taking time out of their day for you.  And it was just really encouraging, and supportive. It was very much appreciated.

:)

Things are looking up

So things are definitely getting better. I'm having less work anxiety, and it's easier to make myself more cheerful about going to work each day.  There is a girl there that I really like seeing, and I'm getting to know the other workers better as well.  For some reason I'm not completely comfortable around the manager though.. I hope that gets better with time.  My feet are hurting less after each shift now, I'm guessing I'm just getting more used to it. It sucks that we're not allowed to wear supportive shoes since we have to be on our feet all day. I bought insoles, so that's basically the best I can do. But with my feet hurting less, my days are seeming shorter.

The only other problem is, it's hard to go 4 1/2- 5 1/2 hours without eating anything. And it's better to go longer (like the 5- 5 1/2 hours before your break, because then you have less time when you come back) Some days I am absolutely starving. I'm thinking maybe I'll buy a back of trail mix to keep in my bag at work, and just sneak back at some point and shove a handful in my mouth. Haha. That's probably a good plan... I'll have to keep that in mind for next time that I shop.

Well, off to work.

Until next time :)

Life anxiety, work anxiety

God, anxiety is a bitch.  Sometimes I worry that I'm never truly going to be happy. And that's a problem mostly with jobs. I'm happy with Jaspaul. And part of that was learning how to be happy. I love him, but neither of us are perfect, so of course we're not perfect together. We are always told these fairy tales, watch romantic movies, and so we grow up with unrealistic expectations. But if you can learn to cast aside the unrealistic notion of a perfect man and a perfect relationship, then you're much happier. (I mean after all, if I'm not perfect, how should he be?) Anyways, I've yet to transfer this learned happiness to jobs. I keep telling myself that 1) I'm still learning this job, so of course that is always a bit stressful 2) I'll be happier once I get into the routine of working full time, I mean after all, it's only been a week so I'm not used to working full time yet, let alone working at all. But for probably a full hour I went back and forth saying to myself "I hate this. Will I ever be happy? What if I were to get my dream job, would I be happy? And the other part was saying (I forced myself to say): You're lucky to have a good job. You have a good life, and you're making money. Be happy and you'll like your job more. I seriously flip flopped back and forth between those two while I organized clothing. 

On a random note.. I kind of love organizing things for work. That's seriously 80% of what we do. I am one of those people that secretly love organizing things. Most of us who are "secret organizers" don't like organizing things that make sense. We don't like cleaning our rooms on a regular basis, or our kitchens.. but we enjoy doing the big organizational tasks. We love the feeling of cleaning a tornado room.  We love making check lists for spring cleaning and checking off the tasks as we go. We love filing alphabetically, and we love the satisfaction of folding clothes perfectly in a retail position. Who knew? There's a little more insight into my strangeness :) haha.

My Man's Birthday

It's Jaspaul's birthday today!

           Man, I love birthdays.  I love making people feel special and spoiled on their birthdays. Although Jaspaul is not as receptive to it, deep down he still loves being spoiled, haha. Unfortunately this year, I can't spoil him much. I just started a new job last week, and have no more than $5 in my bank account. My paycheque will not be until next week, and it isn't quite enough to cover my rent for October. Then I have a visa bill with groceries and bus passes. So the only thing I can do for him, is make him a cake. And he honestly doesn't care. He doesn't care that we can't go for a nice dinner, and he doesn't care that I can't get him gifts. I will get him gifts later, but he of course tells me not to. So hopefully the cake turns out well, because it's all that I can do for him for right now. So wish me luck that it will be the best cake I can make! :)

           So since it's his birthday, I was thinking about how happy I am that he's in this world. He deals with my anxiety, and always calms me down and makes me feel better.  Although he doesn't always listen to my sometimes ridiculous rambling, he listens when it counts. He ALWAYS makes me laugh.  We've been together for just under 5 years, and he still makes me laugh constantly.  Sometimes I want to punch him, but I'm getting better about this :P It takes a lot to get into the rhythm of living together. But I think we're pros at it now. So putting the fighting (mostly) aside, we can just laugh. Laughter is one thing that should never leave a relationship, so I'm so thankful we still have so much of it.

           I find myself thinking more towards the future with him now. I can't wait to get our first dog, our first house, and the like. I can't wait to laugh with him for countless more years. He's someone that makes me re think how I think about life. He is someone that doesn't get upset about much, he doesn't stress about much, and he doesn't get sad about much.  He lives in the here and now, and that's something that I'm slowly trying to learn from him. I'm so hyper and anxious and OCD (for a lack of a better term) and he's so calm and cool, and down to earth. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with him, I think about everything that he puts up with from me, and I let it go.

So all in all, I'm glad that this man was put on this Earth. And hopefully we'll spend a lifetime of more birthdays, ones that I can properly spoil him for. 

Missing my mom and doggies today.

Highlight of the day

So here's an embarrassing story from my day!

I was talking with a customer and something felt weird in my pant leg. So I shook my leg a bit and something fell out. I looked on the ground and there was a pair of underwear on the ground. My underwear. I quickly scooped it up and put it in my picket.

OMG haha. I hope no one saw it.  That'll teach me to not look in my jeans when I wear them twice in a row.

Tee hee.

Customer Service

This was my delightful customer service experience today at Safeway

Me: Hello, I'm looking for some bus passes today.

Customer service lady: (looks in drawer) We don't have any.

Me: Oh really??

Lady: Yes, after the first week they send them all back

Me: oh okay.. hmm.. I just called yesterday and was told that you guys carry them

Lady: Well it's already september so they don't sell the passes anymore

Me: I'm looking for the 10 or 20 pass packs

Lady: Ooh you're looking for bus TICKETS

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

Lady: No.

Me: (Gritting teeth).

I mean, really!! I get now that a pass could seem like just the month pass, but as a customer service person, isn't it your job to figure out what the customer wants? This is how it should have gone in my opinion...:

Me: I'm looking for some bus passes today.

Lady: What kind are you looking for? We no longer have the month passes for September but you can buy packs of individual tickets.

Would that have been so hard??  It's people like this that give me valuable learning experiences :P

So, I got the job.  I'm happy, relieved, and a bit excited. There's something that feels good about starting a job that isn't going to be stressful. I know so many people are obsessed with starting a career right out of university. And in a perfect world, that probably would be a good thing. But that's not the way that things have fallen into place, and I have to trust my gut. I have a good feeling about this job. I'm hoping this will be a stress free job, that will allow me to make money and new friends. Even if the job isn't "worthy" of my pride, I'm going to have pride in myself in the way that I work at this job. I'm thankful that this job has come my way, and I'm going to make the best of it.  That's my decision, and I'm kind of proud of it.

Oh, decisions. Oh, life.

        I had an interview for Ardene in the mall. It's a retail store. I actually love the store. It's one of those stores geared towards a younger crowd. They have inexpensive stuff, ranging from jewelry to shoes to clothing. It's mostly accessories, but they've been branching out to clothes as well in the last couple years.  I have applied to so many jobs, and they are the first that have even offered me an interview.  I can't even keep track of how many jobs I applied for.

        The interview was great. The manager that interviewed me seemed really laid back. I was confident in the way I answered questions, and that combined with my open availability makes me a pretty good candidate.  The mall is a 6 minute bus ride from our place, so I don't feel the need to have my care here. That means I don't have to worry about driving in the winter conditions, and a bus pass is much cheaper than insurance and gas. The more I heard about it, the better my feelings were about the job. It feels relaxed and fun, and having an insane discount doesn't hurt either! The only downside.. it's definitely not in my field of study, and it's not exactly a job you'd hope for straight out of university. There's a lot of positives to this job, but the biggest negative, is what other people will think. If I didn't feel as though I have to explain myself and defend my decisions to others, than I wouldn't hesitate with this job at all.

         So the trend that is occurring here.. and in my other blogs.. and in the deepest darkest part of my brain... is the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.  I guess I have a lot to work on within myself.  So whatever decision I make, it's going to be what I want to do. I'm going to try not to worry about what anyone else thinks.. and that will get better with time. If I do get the job and start working at Ardene, it doesn't mean it's for the rest of my life. It's for here and now, and I'll figure the rest out later.

Back seat drivers

Yes, this is my second blog tonight. Like I said, I don't write a blog until I'm about to explode.

       Everything likes to give their opinions on your personal situation. Everyone wants a say, and everyone thinks what they have to say matters.  I'm not saying that the opinions of others don't matter, but what I am saying is, I'm tired of hearing them.  I don't want any more advice on what to do with my life. I don't want to talk about my life plans if I'm not the one to bring it up. Sometimes I need to talk about it, because of my anxiety. But when I don't bring it up, chances are, I don't want to talk about it.

       The reason this is bothering me so much, is because I spent the a lot of the summer listening to what my dad thinks I should do. But he's just looking out for me, and he wants the best for me. What pushed me over the edge today, was when a neighbour came over "just to say hi" today, and then proceeded to tell me what I "should do" here in Edmonton. He didn't give friendly advice. He was pushy and invasive, and it was very uncomfortable. Of course I said thank you, and nice of you to stop by, but inside I was really thinking "Who the FUCK are you to tell me what I SHOULD do?"  Don't you think I already have people in my life telling me what I should do? Don't you think I have enough self doubt, and enough "Should do's" and "to do's" in my life?

       I'm just getting tired of all the backseat drivers in my life. I need more people like my mom and Jaspaul. When I ask them what I should do, they ask what I want to do. Without so many words, they tell me to figure out what I want, and they'll support me. I need to figure out what I want, find a way to get it, and not care about all the people telling me telling me what I should do. It's my life, and I should really be able to do whatever I want with it. It's not really any one else's business for now.  So I guess I have such an issue with the "should do'ers" because I haven't found my way yet. If I knew who I was, what I wanted, and how I'd get there, I wouldn't care. But I let these people into my mind, because my mind isn't made up yet. There's a lot of room for doubt in my mind right now.. but I'm slowly going to change that.
  

From there, to here.

           So it's been a long time. Obviously I'm not an avid blogger. I seem to blog when my mind is bursting, and only then do I put the pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard. Things have slowly been eating away at me for the last couple months, and I figure it's time to write them down.

          I finished school at the end of last December. I then got a temporary job, as I had an exciting trip planned to Indonesia and needed funding. It was much harder finding a job than I had expected, and it took much longer than I thought it would. This was my first sign that maybe education wasn't the only golden ticket needed to find a great job. You see, I had previously been so optimistic that I would be able to get my dream job the moment I wanted it, although I told myself I wanted to travel first. So this difficult to attain, temporary job planted the first seed of doubt into my mind.

         After my wonderful trip to Indonesia, I found myself back in Vernon living with my family. Although I enjoy being in my mother's company, it wasn't the ideal situation. I knew I wouldn't be there too long, but I sat with the question of what to do with my life? Do I head straight to Edmonton with Jaspual who is pursuing his higher education? Do I apply to my highschool "dream job" of working for Free the Children? Or do I pretend to look for jobs while I hide out in my room in the safety of my family's home? The last option sounds silly, but for someone with extreme anxiety issues... I have to tell you, it was a viable option in my mind.

         I am currently living in Edmonton with my boyfriend. I applied to all the jobs I could at Free the Children. I applied in Vancouver and Toronto. I applied for internships, and paid positions. Just in case, I even applied for jobs I wasn't qualified for. Because I figured, you just never know. I decided when I was 18 that I wanted to work for Free the Children. I had just finished Global Education, and Free the Children was perfect. I was bright eyed, and believed anything was possible. It hurts what little ego I have to say this, but I didn't hear back. I was actually surprised, seeing as how I got a call back last September when I applied to a job for them. I wasn't able to go past the initial interview as they needed someone sooner than I could start since I was still in school, but I was definitely left with the impression that I was perfect for the job. All I can do is tell myself that the positions weren't the right fit, and it just wasn't the right time. It's one of those things we have to tell ourselves so that it doesn't sting so much... and we just have to hope it's true.

        I was defeated for a while.. but now I realize that it's still possible for the future. Maybe right now isn't the right time, but maybe 3 years from now will be (or maybe 5 years from now, who knows). And I really do believe this. Or maybe I'll never work for Free the Children. But that's another thing that I'm coming to terms with. This job that I wanted when I was 18, maybe it doesn't fit with the person that I am at 23. Or, maybe it does. Life has a way of working itself out. Life seems to work out the best when I let it do it's thing, but I need to do everything I can to help it along. So for now, I'm putting myself out there in every way possible. I'm applying to jobs I'm "over qualified" for, and I'm applying to jobs that scare me a little more. And I'm going to go where life takes me after that. Because we're all going to get bumps and bruises along the way, but we all have our own lives and we need to figure them out for ourselves.