Values

I had my second counseling session today. We talked more about meditation and anxiety, and we talked about looking at ourselves from a place of non judgment. I'm not at the point of looking at myself without judgment, but that's what meditation teaches. It's a place I want to get to though. I talked about how I have a difficult time with affirmations, because I am at the point where I don't believe them. I know it's a "fake it til you make it" sort of thing, but I'm not even at the point where I can fake them. We're talking about the things you tell yourself, like mantras, to create positivity or encourage whatever you're lacking or want to increase. Like "I'm a strong confident woman" "I am beautiful inside and out" and things like that. So she said it would be helpful for me to just write out some values. Instead of saying "I am confident. I am strong. I am beautiful", etc, write down that I value these things. She said that's the first step, and as my anxiety decreases, I'll eventually get to the place where these will become affirmations. So here it goes...

I value...

Confidence
Strength
Forgiveness
Compassion
Love

New beginnings

Today was my first session with a counselor at school. Decided it was time to start getting my issues sorted out. I think it'll be good for me. She's got me started on meditation sessions that is actually through an app on my iphone. So I'll try my first one this weekend. It's to help me with my breathing and trying to be more mindful- being in the here and now. Anxiety usually means you're not living in the here and now. You're dwelling in the future usually. They say depression is dwelling in the past, and anxiety is dwelling in the future. I've known for a while that meditation would probably be inevitable. It just seems daunting when you have a mind that never stops. But I'm looking forward to it, and I think/hope it's what's going to start me on my road to recovery.

WE DAY

So I made it to We Day this past weekend!! It was so awesome. I was a crowd pumper, so I got to see the entire show and basically dance around and cheer really loud. Haha. Basically I was there to make sure the crowd was excited. And I was able to be on the floor, so I saw everything.

Here are some of the people that I got to see:

Dave Williams
Silken Laumenn
Kardinal official, Karl Wolf, and JRDN
Alyssa Reid
Nikki Yanofsky

And sooo many more.. these are just the people/performers I can think of off the top of my head. And of course Craig and Mark!! I was so excited to hear Craig speak.

I also got to see some great people. I saw some close friends from University and stayed at a good friend's house. It was great to explore the city a little bit, because it was really my first time being there. We took the train lots and had dinner one night down town. All in all it was a great trip, and I'm glad that I was able to go!

Midterm

So I officially made it through midterm and papers, and I did really well on everything (minus the last paper because I haven't gotten it back yet). All my marks were in the 90s, and one of my midterms was the highest mark in the class. I'm not going to expect that every mark will be like this, but it definitely made me feel good to know that my effort is paying off.

In just one week I'll be in Calgary for We Day!!! So exciting. And then in 7 weeks and a couple days I'll be at my parents' for Christmas. Time is going by fast and there's lots to look forward to :)

Into the swing of things

So it's now a month and a half into school and I officially made it through midterms and papers! Of course there are always more things due but I'm pretty on top of everything else. I'm already done my major projects for this upcoming week, and my assignment for November 6th. I'm pretty much a keener, haha. And I'm doing really well in my classes. Aside from psychology.. but I'm sending positive thoughts out into the universe about my psychology midterm.

Also I went to my interview and training session for in school mentoring through Big Brothers Big Sisters. I just have to wait for my record checks to come back, and I'll start shortly after that. I'm really excited about it! It'll fill a bit of my extra time and it'll be something meaningful. I can also add it to my resume for experience once I've graduated.

I feel like things are starting to come together! I just need a dog now, but I know I'll have to wait for that one...

Thanksgiving weekend

This weekend is Thansgiving. It's the second Thanksgiving that I've missed being with family since living here. This year was definitely harder than last year because a surprised party was planned for both my grandparents. That basically meant a big family reunion where they live, and it just seemed like so much fun. I already love thanksgiving because of the family I get to see, so it was just extra special this year. It makes me look forward to Christmas even more, because even though I don't get to see the rest of the family, I get to see my parents, dogs, and grandparents.

I actually decided to make a semi thanksgiving dinner this year. No turkey of course because there is just 2 of us and we have a tiny oven, but we bought a small half ham and we're going to do mashed potatoes, yams, and stuffing. The stuffing is from a box.. haha.. it's something I'll have to learn how to make for the future, but it'll do for now. It makes it obvious how I have an emotional attachment to food.. because making thanksgiving food makes me feel closer to my family this weekend. It's silly but it's sentimental and makes me feel a bit better.

busy season

So we're really getting into the swing of things this semester. The first part of the semester moves slowly, and then once it picks up it never stops. So I'm going to really try to get a handle on everything this weekend. I know I've set myself up pretty well, so I'm not actually worried, but of course I'm still stressed. So let's see if I have get tons done this weekend so that I feel less stress later :)

I know that time is going to go by super fast now, and I can't wait til I go to my parent's for Christmas!! :D So excited.

RSWs

So today I learned a lot about being a registered social worker. So here's what I knew about it before today: A person with a social work diploma can only be registered in the province of Alberta, so jobs that require a registered social worker will probably look past someone who isn't registered. Which would be great if we were staying in Edmonton, but neither of us really want to =P

So this worried me sometimes, because I felt like going back to BC and not being registered would hinder me or limit the jobs that I can have. But here's what I learned today: In Alberta, it's not an option to register. Even with a diploma, you HAVE to register. That's not a big deal but this part is-- only people with "social work" diploma and degrees can/have to register. So this means my girlfriend who graduated with a human ecology degree and has a job in the social work field is not a registered social worker, and she can not call herself a social worker. Anyone who graduates from another local university with a child and youth worker degree, can not be registered and can't call themselves a social worker. And all these people go on to with in the social work field, but they are not "social workers." So in BC, I guess registration is not required. Most non profits and even government jobs don't care whether or not a person is registered. Now whether they can call themselves social workers or not, I'm not sure.

So basically what I learned today, is it's not a huge deal whether or not I am a registered social worker or not. The way they kept talking about it, it seemed like it might be hard to get a job without it. But after learning that so many people employed in the social work field don't have a registered title, I definitely felt better.

DO MORE!!

I am constantly fighting this feeling that I'm behind and that I need to do more. I swear it's on repeat in my head "Do more.. do more.." but by the end of the weekend, I've always completed all my essential work for the week. Then usually I'll start bits and pieces of papers that aren't due for a while. I think I'm in pretty good shape homework wise, but I guess it's just my brain not used to being back in school. I know there is always something that can be done, but it's a balancing act. I have to stop and relax sometimes, and tell myself that it's okay! So I'm learning how to do that.

I took most of this weekend off though, between J's birthday, and cleaning the apartment. We got a notice that they would be inspecting our place (I thought it was because we'd been here for a year, but they're inspecting everyone's places. It must be a yearly thing). And we had not done a good clean since we moved in. We keep it decently clean, but not the entire apartment at once. It was a lot of work compared to what we're used to, but it looks so good!

J's bday was pretty low key. We went to the mall and got some clothes. We found some great sales at old navy. ($19 jeans, we love sales!). And then we had lunch at Boston Pizza. It was low key, but a good day.

I'm slowly making diet changes as well. Trying to eat more veggies and fruits, smaller meals more often, and actually having home cooked meals. No change in weight so far, but I know that overall I'm being healthier :)

Mantras

I'm feeling better each day about the whole diploma vs bachelor situation, but I still have lingering anxiety. I have such a deep rooted fear of failure. I have a deep rooted fear of feeling the need to be perfect. I don't know who I need to be perfect for, or where it comes from.

My new mantras:

Decide, commit, succeed. It doesn't matter what my other options are, my commitment is to the social work diploma. I'm optimistic that it'll get me to where I want to go. And if it doesn't, then I'll go back to the drawing board. It shouldn't be seen as a failure. I think that's what life is all about, going back to the drawing board many times over.

I am not perfect, but I'm perfect the way that I am. I don't believe this 100%, but that's the purpose of a mantra, is to start changing your thought patterns. In this moment in time, I don't think I'm good enough.. but I'm working on it. I'm taking the steps that I can in order to change my mental state.

Aha

Originally when I started the whole school hunting process, I only wanted to do the diploma. I know I've said this all before, but I'm reiterating a couple things, because I had a light bulb moment yesterday.  So I knew I only wanted to do the diploma. Norquest sounded like an amazing place, so I looked into it further. I knew that I'd probably upgrade to the Bachelor or even Masters (with a condensed program that skips the bachelor) later down the line, but that would be for when I have the money to do it. So I decided that the diploma could get me to where I wanted to go for the next couple years. And who knows, maybe I decide to finish this diploma, work a couple years, and then pop out some kids! Haha. You just never know. Because if you think about it, in 6 years, I'll be 30. 2 years of this program, and I'll be 26. Work for a couple years, and maybe I'm ready to have kids. The point of saying this, is just that you never know what's going to happen. And maybe I'll find a job right out of the diploma and never need to go back and finish the bachelor.

So I've definitely calmed down about the whole situation. I just had to ask myself what brought me here in the first place, and why I made the decision that I did. Plus there are lots of people working in the social work/human service area with diplomas, and even without diplomas. Sometimes we feel this need to have credentials, but work experience and attitude can be just as important.

This brings us to my "Aha" moment. I realized that the reason I was so worried, is because if I came out of the diploma without a job, I would feel as though I had failed. But I'm okay with starting over and going back to the drawing board.. but I worry about being judged by other people. To be 26 and not have a career to show for anything, I'd be worried about what other people thought. Once I realized this, I felt silly. It's a huge issue in my life to be worried about what others think. Friends, relatives, close family.. I didn't want to come out of the diploma, after coming out of my bachelor, and need to re think things again. But I'm going to try my hardest over the next couple years to rebuild my confidence again. This is my life, and if I'm okay with it, that should be all that matters. It also helps that I have a partner who supports me, because he's never made me worry that I won't be good enough.

I have to take the next 2 years to work on my confidence, and be that go getter that could have gotten a job without any education. I've seen that it's possible, so with a bachelor and a diploma, I'm going to find a great job. I'm going to start taking steps to believe in myself again.

Panic

I had a panic attack today after going to the social work orientation. They talk about what a great program this is, and I believe it, but they also talk a lot about transferring courses to the university after. So for those of us that are not wanting to go onto the bachelor, it seems kind of concerning. The bachelor will definitely give a higher pay grade, and access to more jobs, but I am pretty sure that for what I want to do, the diploma will be fine. And there is always time later in life to go back and do a bachelor. The other thing was too is I think an admissions lady gave me some misinformation. She told me that I could apply to a university and skip the first 2 years and go straight to the social work part. I'm going to double check this just in case, but I don't think it's true. So anyways I had a break down about it.. but after remembering why I didn't choose to do a university program (Most of the unis in the area have the child and youth program at the university, so it is very focused on that, which pigeon holes you in a different way), I remembered the reason that I chose this program.

I think at this point I'm hoping that what she said wasn't true, because I'll feel like I've wasted time. And if J decides to go back home after school like we'd talked about if he gets a job, I don't want to be living in Edmonton by myself for 1-2 years. So at this point I'm hoping that I was right that the diploma was the best option for me, and just stick with it.  I guess it's another wait and see kind of thing.

School

Today was my first day of school! It wasn't anything too exciting.. I only had English and we talked about plagiarism for an entire 20 minutes.. haha.  I know the first week is never exciting because the profs just go over the syllabus, but it's just exciting in general to be starting a new chapter in my life.

I can't believe I am finished my job. I keep thinking I should look up my next schedule, but there isn't one! haha. It'll be such a good feeling when it finally sinks in :)

3 more days

Only 3 more days until I'm done work!!! I couldn't be more excited :) Things are just as silly as ever there, so I'm glad that I'm putting it behind me. It'll be a bit stressful of course once I finally realize that I'm not making money and I'm using student loan money... but it's necessary and I'll be much happier for it :)

Just have to get through this crazy long weekend! It's going to be sooo busy. Maybe that will make the days go by faster though.

family visits

Today I got back from a visit to the island to see family. My mom and I planned the trip before my aunt had passed, but unfortunately she passed before we got there. It was a great visit with our family though. There was some sadness of course.. but there were lots of laughs and quality time. I'm glad that I made the decision to go, despite being a little insecure about it. (I think my exact wording was "Are we family enough to be there?") So despite being due to poor circumstances, it was a good visit.

Now back to work and only 5 days left. Then on to school!

New Beginnings

So things are definitely calming down and getting all sorted out.  I'm so excited that I decided to give my 2 weeks notice. I can't imagine now if I hadn't. The way I feel when I'm there, I don't even know how I lasted this long! I really just have a terrible mentality when I'm there, I'm irritable, and I just feel.. heavy. A lot of the girls that I started with, and the girls that started after me that I bonded with, have left. That made it much easier to make the decision. I think it was that group of girls that kept me going, and as they started quitting.. it made it less bearable. Now I just feel such a sense of relief that my time is coming to an end. I won't be making money anymore, but I won't have loan complications, and I'll be much happier.

I'll be heading to see my Aunts and my cousins on Monday. I'm nervous, but happy to see everyone. Even though like I said, it's under poor circumstances, family reunions are always nice.  I got the days off all sorted out easily, so that was a weight off my shoulders.

I also headed to my future college, and got my id card and bus pass. I'm so excited to be starting school in the fall.. I can't wait!  I'm starting to feel so relieved and getting happier and excited. I needed a change, and to get out of that job. I need to refresh myself and have a new beginning.

Couldn't be happier. Excited for my fresh start. :)

2 weeks notice

So I decided to put my 2 weeks notice in at work. At first I was really nervous, because I hadn't planned on handing it in so soon. I had just handed in my change of schedule and hours, so I just felt like I was blind siding my manager. But mostly it had to do with the fact that working would complicate my loans, and some of them would be revoked. And since I would only be working 2 more months or so, it's not worth the wages to have any of my loan revoked. I just hope my manager understands and that there are no hard feelings. Things change and I gave enough notice, so it's not like I did anything wrong.  The only part that I really feel a bit bad about is that I'm also going to be taking 3 days out of my last two weeks without much notice to visit my Aunt. I know that this is just life and it happens that way sometimes but the timing just kind of sucks. But it'll all be fine, I'm sure.

Once I get the days off sorted out, I know I'll be excited to be ending my time at this job :)

Looking Ahead

3 weeks today is officially my first day of school, and I'm pretty excited. I'm the kind of person that likes to be working towards something. I like learning, I like completely things. This has been completely missing from my life in the past year, which probably has a lot to do with why I felt lost. I know I could have picked up a hobby or something, but I didn't.

I still don't know about student loans or the housing situation, but it'll all be sorted out with time. I'm trying not to worry about anything and just get through my last 3 weeks as a full time worker. (CAN YOU BELIEVE I WILL HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THE YEAR IN JUST 3 WEEKS??) I'm pretty proud of myself to be honest! I know I settled at this job, and I know I could have a should have found something better, but I think my confidence was so low when I finished school. But this whole experience will be coming to a close soon, and I have some things to take away from it. I have developed a thicker skin, and I'm learning how to say no without having to have a reason (this is really hard still at times). I have let people walk all over me my whole life, and I let people guilt me into doing things that I don't want to do. I knew that was something that I wanted to change, and I've definitely made improvements.

Can't wait for school! Although I'm not looking forward to being broke again.. but we do what we have to do.

Up in the Air

The other day I found out that I was denied student loans from Alberta, because I haven't been here for 12 months. It doesn't make sense to me, because by the time I get the loan (in september) I will have been here for 12 months. But oh well, I have applied for loans from BC, and let's just all cross out fingers that they will grant me some loans. The application hasn't been submitted yet though, because I have to wait for my school to verify my enrollment. I really really really need it work out. I don't have a plan B, and I'd really like to get this schooling started. I know I have enough money to pay for rent for a year. School is usually 8 months, so that also gives me 4 months between May and September to earn some money, even if that means going back to my current job. But I don't have a penny for tuition, fees, books, or groceries right now. I guess I thought I'd be able to save more money by now, or that it would be easier to get loans. I'm starting to think that I rushed into this, but after a couple months at my job, I knew I couldn't last there for more than a year full time. 

Everything is just up in the air right now. The housing issue, the loan issue.. These are major things that are unsolved. If I don't get the loan, what happens.. I guess I can't go to school. I don't even want to think about that right now, so I'm just hoping for the best. And even if I do get loans, next year is going to be the same situation, but worse. I won't have any money at all after this year, so I have to try and get full funding for next year.  I'm going to try to apply for a bursary, which is usually only $500, but it makes a bit of a difference. I feel frustrated, but like I said, just hoping for the best.

Post Vacation Blues

So last post, I posted about my lovely vacation. I got home yesterday, and today I have the post vacation blues. I definitely already miss my mom and the dogs. I'm glad that I got to spend the most time with them, but it was hard leaving. I know I'll be back soon, but right now I'm feeling all the emotions. For me, time just has to pass and things will get better.

As for the apartment update, things have kind of changed. I went to the office to get the lease paperwork, and it turns out my original assumptions were correct. The notice said take advantage of the current market value, and I assumed that meant the new and raised price. But then we thought maybe it did mean our current price. The "current" part is what threw us off. Anyways, so it's the current market value. So right now we're paying 1129 a month.  If we go month to month, we pay $1209 starting September. If we renew our lease, we pay $1229 a month. How does that even make sense?? You'd think they'd want a full year lease, and would give the lower price.. but no, it's the most expensive for us to renew it. I'd rather just renew for a year and be done with it, but now it's all up in the air. It's really difficult looking for a new place though, because no one knows if they'll have availability for September. So we either have to give our 30 days notice when the time comes and hope we find a place... or just stay here month to month. So I'm not sure what's going to happen. I think that added to my emotional-ness today, because as you know.. I have the delightful anxiety issue :) So that was helpful.

On an upside, I made homemade hamburgers for the first time ever, and potato salad. Both of them were greatly enjoyed, so I felt good about it.  There was this weird period of time when nothing I made seemed to work out, so I'm glad to be hitting a stride and making good things again.

So we'll see where everything goes from here. I'm trying to just tell myself that in a couple years none of this will have mattered, so it's not worth the stress.

Post Vacation update

I knew I hadn't posted a blog in a while, but it wasn't until my grandma pointed out that my last post was the "38 days" post, that I realized how long it had been. So here's a brief update:

Work: I almost made it to the breaking point. We are so understaffed, and have so much pressure for what should be a low pressure job. Then add the massive amount of drama that occurs there between personalities that just don't mesh, and that brings me to my almost breaking point. Luckily, I made it to my vacation.  Hopefully I'll go back refreshed and ready to work again. After all, I have about a month and a half of full time work until I start school. And then my thought is that I'll decrease to part time, and probably work through thanksgiving. But then of course I'm going back to my parents' place for Christmas, and I am not allowed that time off, so I'll probably quit in November.

Apartment situation: We have decided as of today to stay in this apartment. We really just weighed the pros and cons, and realized it's not so bad. It would be nice to have an elevator, but that's just sheer laziness. It would be nice to be closer to the laundry machines, but again, laziness. The tub doesn't drain very well.. but we're going to see if maintenance can do something about that. And other than that, it's about the price. Most other places are very similar to the price we're paying here, and many are more expensive. We figured after all that, we might as well just renew at our current price and re evaluate the situation in a year again. The busing is just so good here, and maybe one of these days I'll actually start going to the gym. So there you go, problem solved. We just have to get the paperwork going and we're good to go.

And that brings us to...

VACATION: My vacation was amazing! I got to see one of my best childhood friends and her lively, adorable baby. I got to see my best friend and go to an amazing wedding with her, and of course see two great friends get married. It was a mini reunion, where I saw both high school and university friends, and it was just an amazing and genuine time all around. I got to see my parents' new house, and it was beautiful. It has such a peaceful feeling to it, I just loved it. I got to see my brother briefly, and my dad a bit more than that. I got to spend lots of time with my mom, and my doggies. This quality time was definitely one of the best parts. We took a little road trip to see my aunt and uncle, and my grandparents. It was amazing to see them all! Then I was able to meet half way to meet another amazing friend, and we had a nice lunch.  It was such a packed trip, but I couldn't have had it any other way. I got to see SO many people, and I'm glad everything worked out so well. There were of course tears when I left.. even just hugging the dogs goodbye got me going. At least I know I'll be back for Christmas, but it was definitely hard saying goodbye.

I definitely feel a bit different after my vacation. I think I really needed a break from work. Like REALLY needed it. I needed to get grounded again, and I think I was able to get more emotionally centered. I am refreshed, like when I stayed at my sister's house for a couple days. Shaking up your routine and just getting out of your head a bit really seems to do wonders. So I hope my attitude is a little bit better, and that I can act a bit more like me. (Not the person I felt like I was becoming working retail for the year). I want to be bubbly on a more consistent basis and remember to enjoy the little things. I'm going to start experimenting again with cooking and trying new things.

I'll try to update the blog a bit more, but that's enough for now. :)

38 days!

Happy June 1st! So in general I've been in a better mood lately. Maybe all the things I've been thinking about lately are really sinking in.

It's officially 38 days until my vacation, and I couldn't be more excited!  My parents are moving to a new house in a couple weeks, so they'll be all settled in when I arrive. It'll be exciting to see the new place. I'm excited to see everyone, including my best friend who is attending the wedding with me. Hopefully I'll be able to see my grandparents and my aunt and uncle as well, but we'll have to wait and see about that one. It's going to be a very jam packed trip, but I am so excited.

Energy

I've realized lately more than ever, that I'm someone who feeds off other people's emotions. I feel and read energy and emotions so easily, and I tend to reflect them. When people offer me good energy, I reflect that. When people offer me negative energy, I don't necessarily reflect it, but I don't always give good energy back.

The reason this is on my mind, is because I had someone tell me I was grumpy yesterday at work, and in my opinion, it was completely out of the blue. This woman didn't even acknowledge my existence when I greeted her, so I just went about my business of ringing her through the cash desk and letting her know the exchange policy. When I gave her the bag, she rudely asked if the receipt was in the bag, and I told her it was. She grumped "thanks" at me, and I said you're welcome, have a nice day. It wasn't an overly pleasant exchange, but in my mind, I was in no way rude to her. So it was really shocking to me that she decided to passive aggressively mutter something about how grumpy I was, and then repeat it so that my co workers and other customers could hear. My supervisor stood up for me, and everyone else looked generally shocked. And the part that made it weirder, is that I was having a lovely conversation with the next people in line about what a nice day it was outside.  So it brings up the issue of how people perceive things, and how we perceive things. So in her mind, I was grumpy. And in my mind, she was grumpy. So it was an interesting exchange that's for sure...

The reason I bring up the feeding of energies, is because I read her energy right away, and I reacted to it by being more passive and just being to the point . When someone comes up to the till with great energy, we may have a great conversation about things that don't even pertain to the items they're purchasing. And I think a lot of it does have to do with me, and how I react to them.

Maybe I should learn how to give off more positive energy all the time, regardless of the energy I feel is being given off.  But most of the time, I just have the feeling that I don't want to waste positive energy on people who are not willing to give it back. I think because I try to surround myself not with positive people, I tend to automatically push negative people away.  I have a hard enough time keeping myself positive these days, I don't need people draining me of what little positive energy I have. But then as I write this, I'm thinking of a really important point.. sometimes those who give off negative energy, are the ones who need positive energy the most.

It's definitely something to think about, and it's definitely something I grapple with often. I always want to be a better version of myself, and days like yesterday (even though I don't fully understand where she's coming from) make me feel like I fall short.  But there's always tomorrow, and it's always an opportunity to be the best version of me that I can, as cheesy as that sounds.

Good energy

I haven't posted in quite a while. Probably because there's nothing much new to report. Still mentally drained from work, and still counting down the days until I visit my family.  We're down to 52 days now, and considering I started the count down at 100 days, that's pretty good! Almost half way there :) I think that's the only thing that keeps me going to work every day.  Each day I go to work and get through the day, it's one less day until my trip.  Despite not wanting to be there, I've had an okay attitude about it. It's strange to be so unhappy about a situation, but be in a good mood. I don't understand it myself, but it seems to be appreciated at work because everyone feels the same way I do, and I've had one girl comment outright that she loves my energy. I guess I realized even though I really dislike this job, there's no point in being sullen about it. I still have my bad days, but for the most part I still want to laugh and joke around with everyone. It's easier getting through it that way.

I've also started reading again. And this is actually a big thing. I used to love reading, but then suddenly when I moved here, I just stopped. I became addicted to tv and that's all I did. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like something is changing, and for the better. So I'm embracing it and hope that it means something good. Maybe I'm getting bored of being so complacent and lazy in my life and it's the first step to changing my routine. Here's to hoping.

Weekend

I had the entire weekend off this weekend, and that rarely happens. It was so nice to spend the weekend with Jaspaul. We went grocery shopping and made dinner together on Saturday, and then on Sunday we went to the mall for some shopping and lunch, and then watched some tv together in the evening. It was a relaxing  and enjoyable weekend :) I'm a bit sad that I wasn't with my family having a nice Easter weekend, but I enjoyed my weekend and I know I'll be spending more holidays with my family in the future.

But rather than being happy because I had a good weekend, I'm even more disappointed that I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I wish it made me more happy to endure work because of having good time off, but it makes me much more apprehensive about going back. But I know that I'm continuing along my count down and it's only a matter of time before I'm back to school.

It's officially 80 days until my trip to see my family, and to see one of my oldest and closest friends get married. And then after that I only have until the end of August left for work. I just keep telling myself this, and it at least makes it bearable to be at work.  I keep hoping for the day that I enjoy work, and find fulfillment in it. It's not too far off, I hope.

Belated Birthday

So tomorrow I get to spend the day with my sister and her boys for a belated birthday celebration for both her and I. I'm so excited! I booked the day off work, so we can do a bit of shopping (most likely boy friendly shopping, hehe), and then dinner. It'll be a great day. Just have to get through work today and then off for some fun tomorrow!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Despite having a minor panic about taxes and student loans, I've been pretty good lately. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it's inevitable that I'll face another down swing, but for now I'm riding it out. I think hitting the 3 month mark until my vacation to BC has really brightened my spirits. That may still seem far away, but when I originally booked my flight, it was 7 months away.  And in another count down, I have 4 1/2 months until school starts in September, which means I won't be working at this job anymore. When I began, a year seemed so daunting. At this point, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm tired of working at a job where I'm terrified of making mistakes. I made a minor mistake today, and I didn't even know it was a mistake. My supervisor was not calming in any sense, and that made me more upset. In the end it wasn't even a big deal, but the fact that she made it into one made me so annoyed. I don't want to work around this frantic energy anymore, and I just can't handle jobs in this kind of system. This system that monitors your every move, pits workers against each other, and has a fear based environment. It just doesn't work for me, and I've always known that.

So being on the count down makes me very happy. Here's to hoping I'll qualify for student loans.

Refreshed.

I got to spend the last couple days in the next town at my sister's house. It was so great to spend time with her and her kids.  It was definitely refreshing and I'm glad to know I'll be able to do it more often. After how I was feeling this week, it was much needed.

It's back to work tomorrow and although I don't want to, I'm at least dealing with it. I'm feeling much better than I was last week, so I'm counting my blessings.

anxieties.

Have you ever noticed that when you feel anxious, you have dreams about past regrets or bad experiences? It's as if your anxiety leaves your mind open and vulnerable to everything that once made you anxious. Or maybe that's just me. It's a terrible experience.

I've been so anxious lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually drowning in my anxiety, because that's what it feels like. I was in a pretty dark place yesterday at work, and a couple of the girls were just joking around like normal and it was just the wrong place and the wrong time type of thing. I got really annoyed and kind of grouched at them. I've felt guilty about it for the entire day today even though I already apologized. It was a human moment, and I feel incredible guilty because of it. I've realized lately how much I try to hide away and not let people see.

I find myself lately being so thankful that Jaspaul accepts me how I am. Because I don't feel like many people (other than family) actually accept me for me. I am always hiding parts of me and trying pretend they don't exist. And it's not just because I dislike those parts of me or that I'm trying to put the best version of myself forward, because those things are both true, but I realized the main reason is because I don't actually think people are going to like me despite all those things.

Some deep dark insights for the night.

Weather

The weather has been so nice lately. I think today it was actually 10 degrees, and the sun has been shining for the past 4 days. I hope the weather stays like this, and that we're actually coming into spring. There's just something so amazing about the sun, it just brightens everything up. I can't help but smile when I go outside and it's sunny :) And I love not having to wear a winter jacket!

Brief update

Here's just a quick update since I haven't blogged in a couple weeks.

I went to the Goo Goo Dolls concert on March 1st, and it was amazing. Freakin' fantastic! There's not a lot else I can say... it was just truly amazing and if I have the chance, I will for sure see them again! They are my favourite band for sure and I was definitely living out one of my dreams to see them live!

Not much else to update.. work is still so so, but I'm enjoying it more so than before. I think the management changes so far have made me feel better about my work environment. They're also doing some new hiring soon, so I'm hoping for some new friends! I'm just trying to enjoy every day and find happiness in the little things.  And my birthday is only a month away, so once I start making plans for it I know I'll start to be excited and look forward to it.

So all in all, things are pretty good right now :)

Work changes

So after 4 1/2 months or so, I finally got my raise! And it makes a different on my pay check for sure. There are also lots of changes at work. The manager was promoted to district manager officially, and the first assistant manager was promoted to manager. (I love her, so it's a very good thing.) Also as of today the other assistant manager gave her notice, so we'll see what changes are brought to the management team soon. There is a lot of talk amongst the other girls too, a lot of them are looking for other jobs. I like so many of them though, I hope they don't all leave at once!

Mid January

So January is already half over... where is the time going??  I'm definitely happy that time is going by quickly for now. I officially was accepted into the social work program for the fall, so I want time to speed up so I can start working towards a career that I want.

I got another letter from my grandma today! Well, actually it got here on Friday but Jaspaul forgot to give it to me, haha.  I love getting letters!

I'm still continuing on trying to eat healthier. I'm probably doing 60/40 right now. 60% eating well, and 40% not. That's not a great ratio right now, but you have to start somewhere. My shopping trips are getting better and better. Today I basically got tortillas, a ton of veggies, and some shake and bake for chicken. The hardest thing right now for me is protein. I think it's probably my least favourite thing, and I just don't really know what to do with it. So I'm struggling with that aspect. And also I'm struggling with taking lunches to work some weeks. I got lots of good stuff at the store today, but I can't think of what to bring to work tomorrow. I also went out for dinner with a friend and we spent longer than expected, so I just got home and it's 9pm so there's not a lot of time to figure out what to make. So tomorrow I'll make burritos or something and have leftovers for the next day. I'm finding it's so much about preparation! So I definitely want to increase my ratio of healthy eating. My focus is just to eat more fruits and veggies, and less fast food. That's a good start. And I know I'm making little differences, because I wore my fall jacket today and although it's snug, it fit better than last time. I could barely zip it up when I first moved here, and although it's snug mostly around my hips, it's not as hard to do up. So I'm going to continue with my veggies and fruit, keep eating breakfast, and keep looking for new, balanced recipes.

Also these are my new running shoes, that my mom bought me when she was here. My grandma asked if I had any, and they're really cute, so I thought I'd post a picture!

I haven't used them many times yet, but when the ice melts I think I'll start walking outside. The days have been getting much nicer, and it has actually been above zero!! Haha, it's so different than back home.  So winter has definitely been very mild, and I hope it continues.  I know winter usually lasts until March or April here, so I'm not trying to get my hopes up.. but it's hard not to! Weather is changing every year, so let's hope that this is the year that winter is short! :)

The next 6 months

So there's a lot of exciting stuff to look forward to in the next half a year!

1) Goo Goo dolls concert March 1st:
-- I'm so excited!! This is my all time favourite band probably since grade 10 or so. I found a song I liked, took my dad's goo goo dolls cds, and then just fell in love with them. This was definitely a bucket list item for me. They've yet to travel outside of Toronto, so I'm very excited. It's costing a lot because I'm paying for Jaspaul's ticket.. But it's worth it to me to see them!

2) My birthday:
-- I'm not as excited about this one, but hey I do always look forward to my birthday a little :)

3) Jenn's wedding in June/my visit home
-- I'm taking a week off in June to go home for a visit and for Jenn's wedding. It works out quite perfectly! I was also just skyping with Candice and she said that if she's still around, she'll make a trip out there while I'm there :) Also hopefully my grandparents could make a trip out at that time, because I already miss them!

So there are things to look forward to :)